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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It's Your Birthday- Here's a Fish Stick!!


Before I start this post for real, let me just say that I love my Mom.  My Mom has done so much for me in my life and she is a giver (sometimes of things you don't really want... but still, her heart is in the right place)!  The first Christmas my husband spent with my family, he was overwhelmed by the awesome presents and sheer quantity going on. 

Having said that, as the years go by, she gives more and more like the senile aunt from Christmas vacation. You  know, the one that wraps up a jello mold and her cat? She's not quite there yet, but she's definitely moved away from the cool and more toward the, shall we say unique?  Unique is the nice way to put it.  I'm not that nice.  Here are a list of the crazy presents my Mom has given me:

1. Antique silver apostle spoons/tea strainer- not super crazy, but she brought it from England from a flea market and gave it to us for a wedding present and what 20 something gets excited about a tea strainer, seriously?!

2. Stone grapes- these were my souvenir from Rockefeller Center when she and my aunt went to New York.  Truly, stone grapes.  My idea of a New York souvenir? An I Heart NY t-shirt maybe, or how about a designer look alike purse? Nope, stone grapes were apparently the thing that most made her think of me...what does that say about me, I wonder?

3. A silk vintage dress- I know, sounds super cool, right?  Ummmm...NO.  For one thing, I'm a curvy short girl and this dress was made for Audrey Hepburn types.  I looked like a throw back burlesque show in that thing.  Think Dita Von Tease but shorter and fine, I'll say it- much heftier!  Plus, it smelled like ass.  Ass that had been in a trunk in someones attic for say, 40 years or so.

4. A wooden fish stick-  yeah, that one was a puzzler for me too.  It was a fish, made out of wood, that was flat and about six inches long.  I had no concept of what I was supposed to do with that thing.  I mean, it wasn't carved enough to be decorative, it wasn't quite flat enough to be a spreader for cheese or something.  It definitely wasn't a bookmark...and it was stained a cherry color, so it's not like she forgot my birthday and whittled a stick on the way to my house.  Still puzzled.

5. A pair of watercolors she painted for me- Again, sounds awesome, and they totally were! My Mom is a fantastic artist and has shown in art shows, won awards and sold her work.  Notice I said were- she borrowed them back the same weekend she gave them to me to put in an art show and I never saw them again.  I suspect she sold them.  I believe they were award winning paintings after all. 

6.  A vase made out a spoon and a knife- this was my favorite, not because of the gift itself, but because she also gave one to my sister.  What my sister did with it is PURE GENIUS!!  She had it in a box to sell at her yard sale and my Mom was visiting and, like the good little hoarder she is, going through the boxes.  She came across the vase and told my sister that if she didn't want it, she could just give it back and my sister looked her in the eye and said "$5.00."   My Mom then haggled with her and got her down to $2.00 and paid her to take back the crazy gift she had bought her in the first place!!  GENIUS, I tell you!  I had tears running down my face- and my Mom is the one who told me about it, all indignant! 

You can't even make this stuff up!  I really am not an ungrateful brat- I know if someone gives you a gift it's the thought that counts, but really, how about a hug? Or keep some of those thoughts to yourself.  Or maybe , for my birthday this year, could I have an explanation of what the hell you do with a wooden fish stick?! 

What's the funniest/weirdest present you've ever gotten?  I'll be compiling and writing commentary on my favorites in a future post if I get enough to write about. And if my comments aren't working ( because Leanne tells me they get cranky sometimes) feel free to just email to me at


So my Dad actually found the vase and sent me a picture with this caption:

Final Bid
That's my final bid !!! $2.00 and not a penny more... Sold to the lady in total darkness!!

Maybe I'll offer her $1.00 so I can pick up the pair... and next year, I'll sell them back to her at a proift!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

if you're easily offended stop reading now. For the rest of you- a warped tribute to Dick Clark

I know this isn't the timeliest of updates, but a living legend lives no more.  I'm talking, of course, about Dick Clark.  He was an innovator in entertainment and until just recently, looked like he hardly aged at all.  He almost looked plasticized....  Which leads me to the offensive part ( to some- if you are visionary like me, you won't be offended at all, you'll be totally intrigued!  If you are easily offended- I've warned you-this is your last chance to look away!)

So, here's Dick Clark :

And New Year's Eve will never be the same, right?  Unless........What if they plasticized Dick Clark and they could still have him in Times Square every year?  Like propped up next to Ryan Seacrest? 

They had the Bodies Exhibit here in Cleveland, where they have actual human bodies that they've plasticized to preserve them and I thought that if they can do that with no skin, imagine how cool it could be with skin and hair on this:

So they could totally plasticize Dick Clark and keep him in storage until New Year's Eve and bring him out every year!  Only he would look way better because he would have the hair and skin .  And also, they totally should have done that for Pope John Paul II and they could have ridden him around in the Popemobile!  Like for parades and stuff.  And confirmations and festivals  and casino night at the church.  It would be so totally awesome! 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Joy to the world, it's Easter loaf! What? Bacon is like ham, right?!

Some days, I'm just happy with the world.  I'd like to say all the days, but then I wouldn't be me!  I look for joy everyday, I try really hard, and when I find the joy, I share the joy.  Today's joy looks like this:

That's right- it's BACON LOAF!!

There is a meatloaf under the bacon somewhere,and a brown sugar ketchup glaze for on top when it's cooked part way, but isn't it glorious??  My husband loves meatloaf, I do not.  I don't actively dislike it, but it only sounds good to me about once every five years.  So, when he said he wanted a meatloaf, good wife that I am ( ha ha ha- I know, the lightening strikes soon!) I said sure.  Then I proceeded to cover it with my favorite food- the wundebar bacon!  Win win situation in my opinion! 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

In the land of Golden Tacos

I love my husband and kids- they are just the right amount of weird to be interesting and funny but not enough weird to be too embarrassing to go in public with.  Mostly.  Case in point: the other day we got a Tiffany's Catalog.  They have a line of jewelery called Tiffany 1837, which is the year the company was founded.  The jewelry has that date and T & CO stamped into it and they have it in rose gold as shown below:

 My husband looked at the cover of the catalog and said " Does that ring say TACO?"  Which for most women, would be a total deterrent- but for ME? It makes me want it more- Now I MUST have that ring.  Because what do I love almost more than jewelry? TACOS!!  I will never look at Tiffany jewelry the same- I will always see taco now!  Maybe if I write to them they'll make a golden taco necklace? 

And, when my almost 13 year old came in and I asked her what that jewelry said, she also said "Taco"!  And she hadn't even been home to hear the conversation- we're just the same kind of weird!

Also, it made me crave tacos and I had been to the Chinese grocery with my friend Yen, so I made these:

They have Chinese BBQ pork, shredded napa cabbage, daikon, Japanese pickles and sushi ginger.  Very salty, but delicious!   It's no golden taco...but still pretty damn good!